I’m reluctant to add to the extensive list of miserable reviews but I was at the cinema last Friday evening to see an early screening of the film of the book that had utterly underwhelmed me. The script was as poorly constructed as the book.
The audience was, unsurprisingly, mostly women. After all, this is a piece of clichéd romantic fiction (innocent young girl dating a rich attractive guy and showered with rare books, Apple Macs and little red cars) with a bit of kinky sex thrown in. But with the lengthy discussion about “the contract” in the film I suspect that there were a few lawyers hidden amongst them.
It drags along at a snail’s pace. We were both somewhat bored. Even my demure companion said that she felt it was tame and that there was more excitement in Pretty Woman and Nine and a Half Weeks. Both of which have superior stories, characters, direction and sex.
Dakota Johnson (as Anastacia) was too thin to be likeable and too knowing to be credible as a virgin. And all I can say about Jamie Dornan (as Christian Grey) is that there’s a passing resemblance to a young Colin Firth – but without the talent or charm. My companion commented on the lack of manly hair on his torso. I’m afraid I hadn’t even noticed – he was simply too young for me to admire as I have a son of a similar age.
The promised bondage and spanking was so tastefully done – and so late in coming – that it was all a bit of let down in every sense of the word. Feathers, really? And the red room of pain was about as close to a dungeon of sexual depravity as the lobby in my local hotel.
What can I say that’s positive?
The highlight of the experience was the in-your-face raunchiness of the trailer for Magic Mike XXX (the abs were very impressive) and the thrusting dance moves in the trailer for Pitch Perfect 2.
And I quite liked the sound track - primarily because it featured a great version of “I put a spell on you” and the Rolling Stones’ “Beast of burden”.
There were plenty of unintended laughs too – for example: “I don’t do romance” – followed by early meetings with the parents and intimate family dinners, plus trips in helicopters and gliders (you’d have thought he could afford engines on his plane).
But I won’t be going to see the subsequent films.
