We all love to hate it, but the London Underground gets 3.4 million people to work every day. The journey may suffer from cramped conditions and frequent delays, but most passengers reach their destination, most of the time. As commuter ranting is as quintessentially part of the capital as the Big Ben, what would happen if our humble tube was given the chance to speak its mind?
You’re a fairly sturdy-looking machine. Why do leaves on the line bother you so much?
It’s quite simple really. When leaves land on the line they obviously get crushed, however large quantities of leaves combined with the heat of the train form a thick pulp that becomes very firmly stuck to the tracks, making the line slippery and therefore dangerous. Special machines are required to remove them, which causes delays to the service. Plus I find the feeling of having a pile of sludge beneath me a particularly displeasing one.
Do you ever get annoyed with passengers?
Oh yes, I find it utterly repulsive when people eat salt and vinegar flavour crisps on the tube, the smell seeps through each carriage. They’re also my favourite and it makes me very hungry.
How old are you?
A tube never reveals its age, but seeing as we’re being candid I can tell you that construction of the Metropolitan Line, which was the first ever underground train line, began in 1860 and it was opened to the public in 1863, which makes me 148 or 151, depending on how altruistic you’re feeling.
What were your early days like?
I was very pleased to be able to transport people into London for work, allowing them to move to cheaper areas outside of the city. It was a happier time, and my passengers would hop on with a smile. On the other hand, I am told that when the Metropolitan Line was being constructed thousands of residents had to be displaced. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all those people, even though it might be a little late now.
\n\nWhy are there two stations for Edgware Road and Hammersmith?
Two rival companies were given the task of constructing the line, and rather than cooperate the stubborn mules decided to complicate matters by creating two separate stations. Perhaps they thought one would be prettier than the other, although they’re both rather naff if you ask me. I much prefer the Art Deco stylings of Arnos Grove and Bounds Green, both of which are Grade II listed. Bet you didn’t know that the architects responsible for Arnos Grove took inspiration from both the influential Swiss designer Le Corbusier and ancient Roman calligraphy.
What other architectural trivia can you give us?
Yawn. Did you know there are half a million mice living in the tube tunnels? That’ll have you quaking in your boots next time you go underground.
You’re really selling the idea of taking public transport.
Oh come on! The underground is by far the fastest way to get around as most of London is well connected. We’re also making our stations more aesthetically pleasing by encouraging artists to submit work for us to display. That extends to our leaflet design, you should see the latest rainbow-influenced tube map cover by Eva Rothschild.
Is it true that some of the stations are haunted?
Supposedly the ghost of actor William Terriss, who was stabbed in Covent Garden in 1897, haunts the station, and another actress frequents the site of the old Aldwych station. Now I know thesps are a highly strung bunch, but ghosts don’t exist. Perhaps people are seeing a mouse.
\n\nWhy aren’t there toilets at most tube stations?
There are toilets at more stations than you think, but they are cleverly hidden from view. Next time ask the attendant, or go to the toilet before getting on the tube, you silly billy.
Were you in operation during World War II?
No, but the tunnels were used as air raid shelters and many families slept there. In fact, people began setting up reading groups and classes to pass the time, as the tunnels became their temporary home.
What is the freakiest thing to have ever happened on a train?
In 1924 a baby was born on a train at Elephant Castle. Also, in 2001 someone had the bright idea of introducing perfume to the tube in a bid to dispel the usual rush hour stench of body odour, however the project was halted after a couple days as it was making people feel sick. It was hilarious - and unfortunate at the same time for those passing through Piccadilly and Euston on those days.
When are you going to get air conditioning?
Ah, but I already have. Air conditioned trains have been introduced on the Metropolitan Line, and the Circle and Hammersmith and City Lines are next.
Will people ever be happy with your service?
Will they ever stop behaving like crazed animals as soon as a train arrives on a platform, shamelessly elbowing others who also need to get home? Will they start giving up their seats for those who need them and keep their music to a minimum (or at least invest in some decent non-tinny headphones)? In any case, I have been promised that my £1 billion refurb will be complete by 2020, which will include new trains, new radio systems and more step free access, and the Cross Rail will have finally been completed then. We hope.
