Coming out last week as a Coca-Cola advert loving, eggnog drinking, Home Alone watching fan of all things Christmas cheer, I thought it was only right to even things up for the haters. Some, quite reasonably, fail to see what all the fuss is about at this time of year and they deserve places free from ringing bells, leaping lords and naughty lists. No “I love you Yoko” “me too, John”, rubbish – just Bah Humbug and crappy Christmas one and all…
Fabric - Boxing Day
This one doesn’t quite help you for the big day itself but there’s probably enough on TV to keep you from grabbing one of your relatives and screaming in their face after one too many cracker jokes – if not you’ll be looking for somewhere to go to on Boxing Day anyway. Super club extraordinaire, Fabric, has Rinse FM’s entire line-up of DJs to keep you hating on Christmas like it were a bad ex-girlfriend. It, will, be, massive!
Board Games
These days it’s near impossible to visit a pub that doesn’t offer some form of entertainment beyond draining drinks. We like a good board game with a pint and at Christmas it simply evolves to become the perfect way to avoid pesky do-gooders and build up the courage to tell those ‘friends’ how you really feel. Open up Monopoly, pick a piece and the seeds of dissent are sewn. By the time you land on Park Lane with a hotel on it, you’ll have built up enough seething hatred towards your friends to last until New Year. Good pubs for such festive behaviour include The Dove, The George Orwell and The Roebuck.
Hackney City Farm
We’re all quite happy to coo at a majestic reindeer but the truth is that when it comes to animals at Christmas it’s really all about the eating of them. Sad but true as James Hetfield might say. Visit Hackney City Farm to buck the system and bond with the kings and queens of the farmyard who have had a fortuitous escape from the dinner table this year. I can’t promise that there won’t be lights and sprinkles of festive cheer but the survival of these animals needs to be celebrated. They too hate Christmas and have far more to fear from it than you. Show them you love them.
Christmas Day Opening Hours
London stops providing one of its most basic services on the 25th of December but thankfully there are still some pubs that deem it their duty to open the doors. Avoid Christmas Day by drinking so much Baileys during limited opening hours (usually 12:00 till 15:00) that you’re forced to hit the hay by mid-afternoon. Alternatively, see these three hours as preparation for the long, long day ahead. Try The Windmill, The Marksman or The Spreadeagle.
Satan’s Grotto at the London Dungeons
For years I’ve referred to earth as Satan’s Grotto, ever since my millionth wish for world peace went unheard actually. Now the guys at London Dungeons have gone and done it for real and they’re welcome to it, no questions asked. Go along yourself or take your children who made the naughty list and scare them straight for next year. Satan sits in the grotto and reigns over all things dark, foul and anti-Christmas.
