Stuck for where to take the in-laws for a decent yet speedy dinner? Need to break up with someone this lunchtime? Pick wisely and your restaurant of choice can help your plight, but make a mistake and you could end up footing an enormous bill while your ex gallivants with a rich handsome stranger and all you have to console yourself is a touch screen game of noughts and crosses.
For a date you anticipate will be boring
Head to Inamo on Wardour Street. The menu is all things Asian - a Thai red curry here, a tuna sashimi there, but never mind the food; it’s the interactive tables that are the main attraction. Tempting images of tiger king prawns flash up and can be ordered via the touch screen menu. A “chef cam” enables you to peep into the kitchen, you can change the colour of your holographic tablecloth, and if things get really bad, you can suggest a game of Battleships. Any attempts at conversation by your date can be batted away with “Oooh, I wonder what this button does?” type remarks. Alternatively, try Supperclub, where the between-course cabaret and wandering masseuses will leave little time for chit chat. Plus, you sit on a bed so you don’t even have to face each other.
For work/ networking
Sod the food, you need booze and loads of it. This is why the happy hour was invented and why bars serve things such as “gourmet burgers” and silly things on skewers so your associate thinks this is costing you far more than it actually is. If you actually like the person and aren’t just trying to make the whole meeting bearable by getting sloshed, gastropubs such as The Adam and Eve, tucked away behind Oxford Street and The Bedford & Strand near – you guessed it – the Strand offer hearty British food and many well priced tipples.
For a meal you want to be over as quickly as possible
You could take your guests to the nearest McDonalds or to the marginally more upmarket Pizza Express, however if you still need to create something resembling an impression you can try Busaba Eathai, Taro, Princi, or any other eatery with communal tables that’s always full to the brim. The food is good enough for the in-laws to think well of you but they’ll be unable to discuss anything delicate while their elbows are accidentally rubbing their neighbours’ breasts. At Princi, the delectable Italian breads, pizzas and pastries are self-service, making it hard to linger at the table, with the added bonus that you can keep interrupting the conversation to go and fill up your plate.
\n\nTo get over a break-up
Feeding your stomach is one way to mend a broken heart, ogling the finer examples of the human race is another. You can gawp at supermodel good looks at Kyashii, Aqua Nueva or Sushinho (whilst parting with a month’s salary) or try to pull one of the impossibly pretty waiters at Randall & Aubin, however if you’re not male and gay this could result in failure. If you’re comfortable with, and indeed seeking lecherous behaviour The Cuban in Camden seems to offer that in droves on a Friday night, but it really depends on the weather/if the football is on.
For breaking up with someone
Apply any or all of the above, depending on how you think your soon-to-be ex will take the news. Distract them with projections of vegetable tempura, take them to McDonalds and be done with them over a filet-o-fish, or ensure they’re surrounded by beautiful people to soften the blow. Another option is to pick a busy restaurant where you have no choice but to give up the table after an hour and a half, or take the latest available booking so it’s as close to bedtime as possible. Hakkasan is very good at shuffling people off tables mid-scallop.
To pretend you earn more money than you do
You’ll be rubbing shoulders with Mayfair’s elite at ultra-sleek Tempo without having to re-mortgage your house, as its modern Italian menu is surprisingly affordable for the area. If you really want to make a snob of yourself, the tables at Bob Bob Ricard are each equipped with a “Champagne button”, which when pressed makes a bottle of champagne materialise out of thin air, as if by magic. It’s the 2011 snapping your fingers and yelling “Garçon!”
\n\nFor an illicit date
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it, where is there absolutely no chance of being seen by anyone? A restaurant that is in complete darkness of course. Step up Dans Le Noir, where you eat in a pitch black room, the premise being that your other senses are heightened to aid the culinary experience, however it’s also a clever spot for a naughty rendezvous. Not that there’s anything to condone about this sort of behaviour, and you really should be thinking about your actions while you’re shovelling down that unctuous thing you think tastes like chicken.
To seduce someone
To use old clichés, they say the way to a man’s heart is via his stomach, and all girls love chocolate. Employing that logic, taking him to an all-you-can-eat buffet and presenting her with a box of Terry’s Chocolate Orange instead of going out for dinner should do the trick, but when is life ever that easy? Also forget all that nonsense about oysters on a first date, they’re messy to eat and the last thing you want is a dribble of garlicky lemon juice down your chin when you’re leaning over someone seductively. Altitude 360 doesn’t open for dinner, but the Champagne and stunning views over London will no doubt help your attempts at romance over Sunday brunch. Otherwise you might want to find somewhere intimate, (in other words, dark) but Dans Le Noir is not recommended in this instance. You’re going to need some light to show off the cleavage/ biceps/ wallet.
