The 2012 Chap Olympiad

The nation's most challenging sporting occasion - if your idea of a challenge is pitting your finest trouser creases against another man's, or seeing who can hurl a plate of cucumber sandwiches with the most panache. The Chap Olympiad will this year take place over two days instead of one, to mark the fact that some less well-dressed sportsmen are scheduled to be cavorting around far less elegantly in Mile End or somewhere equally ghastly. The Chap Olympiad operates a ticketing system that does not involve any form of lottery, and is open to all comers, male or female, moustachioed or clean shaven, top drawer or bargain basement, just so long as you are keen to cut the mustard on the Field of Pleasant Dreams.

Day One will be our usual Chap Olympic Games, including Umbrella Jousting, Swooning, Ironing Board Surfing and Not Playing Tennis, while day two will host the Paralyticolympics, when those barely able to stand will still have their trouser creases and their pipe-smoking technique put to the test.

Gold, silver and bronze cravats will be awarded separately on both days, so competitors on either day do not have to attend on both days in order to win prizes. The events on Day Two will differ from those on Day One – though, as usual, performance will be judged principally on maintenance of panache, perfectly knotted ties, stiff upper lips and acceptable (i.e. caddish) levels of skulduggery.

On Day Two there will be a special Gin Tent, staffed by nurses trained at the Atters Attree Gout Sanatorium, to assist any contestants who have tested negative for alcohol levels, or those who are feeling a little under the weather and require a top-up.